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"The HIVe at Seminary Square"
Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
The COLOR of LIGHT
August 28
Depression follows panic...and depression is an intensifying cause of illness. The mood of the patient, therefore, is hardly of less concern to the physician than the disease he is called upon to treat. --Norman Cousins
There is too much panic around AIDS. We panic when we find out we have HIV antibodies. We panic because friends test positive. We panic when blood tests come back. But panic causes depression that contributes to illness. We need to try to replace panic with confidence. Hope follows confidence, and hope contributes to health. Hope expects health.
It's easier to choose confidence and avoid panic if we listen more to positive, hopeful people and less to negative, fearful people. If our doctors and friends are giving us panic-causing messages, we need to ask them to change their attitude, or we need to find new doctors and new friends.
Our healers and the people who love and support us fight panic and depression. Together, we can choose confidence and hope.
There is no reason to panic. I am held in the hand of God. I am confident and hopeful. I surround myself with confident, hopeful people.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Good mornin', Dear!
*ItsFreda! QBofTheNorth says:
Hi sweetie!
QBofTheNorth says:
How ya doin'
SoBankHIVeQB says:
somewhat confused, angry, perplexed....
QBofTheNorth says:
Why?
QBofTheNorth says:
What happened?
SoBankHIVeQB says:
I had a conversation with a friend in regard to my decisions and plans that left me disturbed
QBofTheNorth says:
How so?
SoBankHIVeQB says:
I just wanted to scream at him, well if you love me so and are that concerned, where have you been the last 13 years.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Now I give you a timely update about what I'm doing with my life and your pissed!?
QBofTheNorth says:
Ok, honey, calm yourself. Do not be upset. Some people have a rough time with the psycology of it all.
QBofTheNorth says:
Look, Mike, you know my opinion, however, right or wrong it is your decision
SoBankHIVeQB says:
He was being so totally selfish
QBofTheNorth says:
Yes, true he was
SoBankHIVeQB says:
If he needed me in his life he sure waited too long to tell me that now he realises how important what I am doing is
QBofTheNorth says:
The fact that he sort of disappeared, the last 13 years, really, has robbed him of any opinion.
QBofTheNorth says:
Michael, if he needed you , he never would have left in the first place.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
That's what I think, but he laid the quilt trip on me
QBofTheNorth says:
Do not feel guilty. It was his choice.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Then he had the nerve to tell me that some other poz guy he had the hots for told him that I was copping out, that there's no shortage of AIDS money in KY and blah, blah
QBofTheNorth says:
Is he +?
SoBankHIVeQB says:
No but should be, I've known him since 1978 and watched him go from relationship to relationship, settle down for a long term in a drunken sex-crazed relationship where 3-somes weren't uncommon, etc... he's one lucky man
QBofTheNorth says:
OK, seems to me, he is scared. And not being in the situation, has absolutely no understanding.
QBofTheNorth says:
He is being foolish. And YOU, my friend, are not to let this bother you.
QBofTheNorth says:
Consider, he has no idea what he is talking about.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
All his other "POZ" friends have lovely la-la lives, they're still working, partyin' and sluttin around...
SoBankHIVeQB says:
He doesn't understand what I do fully,
SoBankHIVeQB says:
He's listening to everyone but me
QBofTheNorth says:
Exactly. Also, he has no idea how or what you feel.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
so true
QBofTheNorth says:
So, now, consider the source.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
He doesn't get that the meds only prolong the inevitable
QBofTheNorth says:
You would be surpised at the number of people who think the meds will cure
SoBankHIVeQB says:
He's stuck on the mantra, take the meds until you drop dead
SoBankHIVeQB says:
He doesn't get "Quality of Life" issues
SoBankHIVeQB says:
except his...
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Stopping the meds to him is choosing death simply because he won't have me around longer
QBofTheNorth says:
And, if he hasn't been around?????
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Problem is, he hasn't kept up with the book over the years - his choice which he admitted to and now I'm the bad guy because I made these decisions #1 and then the audacious #2 was that I didn't think to consult him!?
QBofTheNorth says:
And exactly how were you supposed to do that?
QBofTheNorth says:
Seems to me, he has another agenda
SoBankHIVeQB says:
And why should I anyway. I'd say my 13 years of experience and the research I do makes me the expert on Livin' with HIV/AIDS in America
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Just because he knows all these other fabulous POZ queens who do it differently
QBofTheNorth says:
I agree, listen Mike, you need to decide for yourself by yourself. IMHO, life is a gift, it is precious. However, when the suffering outweighs the value, only the person themselves can decide
SoBankHIVeQB says:
who are still doing the things I wish I could do like work
QBofTheNorth says:
To hell with them
QBofTheNorth says:
Everyone is different.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
That's why I was calmed when I looked at the Color of Light after the conversation and Lo & behold....
QBofTheNorth says:
Michael, take a deep breath. Go outside. Look up. What do you see?
SoBankHIVeQB says:
http://www.mwcltonline.org/DailyEnergy.htm
SoBankHIVeQB says:
A bright, sunny sky
QBofTheNorth says:
Exactly. Understand?
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Yes Dear! But it's so frustrating to realize that there's still so much work to do - and among friends that should know better
QBofTheNorth says:
He is not your friend. Aquaintance, perhaps. But, he left you 13 years ago. You are both different people now.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
There is no reason to panic. I am held in the hand of God. I am confident and hopeful. I surround myself with confident, hopeful people.
QBofTheNorth says:
If I could come there, I would give you a hug, and tell you this. Everything will be alright.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
I've started posting Meditations from The Color of Light to the above noted page
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Yeah, I know!
SoBankHIVeQB says:
As Dr. Phil says: They'll either "Get IT' or they won't....
QBofTheNorth says:
Right!
SoBankHIVeQB says:
I have done my best.....
QBofTheNorth says:
That is all one can ask
QBofTheNorth says:
Do not be upset
SoBankHIVeQB says:
It's a good upset because it will inspire....
SoBankHIVeQB says:
I will think of the words to explain it so they will understand...
QBofTheNorth says:
Yes, and it will turn into a good thing.
SoBankHIVeQB says:
okay Martha! Coffee's done...
QBofTheNorth says:
Ok, handsome! I want lots of sugar!
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Go here! The music'll shake you! http://www.mwcltonline.org/DailyEnergy.htm
QBofTheNorth says:
Excellent!!!
QBofTheNorth says:
I love it!!!
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Just talked to Paul - HIVeKeeper#1, my case manager
SoBankHIVeQB says:
since I promised Tom I'd think about not choosing death and getting back on the meds...
SoBankHIVeQB says:
Our waiting list now stands at 138, so Canada's a better, sooner goal
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August 29
It is essential to recognize that the needs being met through the illness are fully legitimate and deserve to be met. The body is demanding attention in the only way it knows how. --Carl and Stephanie Simonton
When we get sick, one of the most important questions we can ask is, "What needs am I getting met through this illness?" Maybe we're getting attention; we need and deserve lots of attention. Maybe we're getting love and affection; we need and deserve unlimited love and affection. Maybe we're emotionally, physically, or spiritually exhausted and we need a rest. we all need and deserve time off.
Or maybe we're becoming aware of how painful our lives have been; we're saying that we don't want to keep on as we've been going.
Whatever we come up with is okay. There is no shame in having needs; its part of being human. The point is to get those human needs met through being well.
I bless my body for helping me learn more about myself. I accept myself and my human needs. I commit to giving all my needs direct and kind attention.
Commentary - Special Health Issue #734 - May 1997
Sex and sensibility - Larry Kramer
(Excerpted) In his terribly important new book, Sexual Ecology: AIDS and the Destiny of Gay Men, Gabriel Rotello makes the definitive, airtight case that AIDS in the gay male population is not going away. We've changed, but we haven't changed enough, and because we haven't changed enough, the infection rate continues to be unrelentingly high. All our efforts at education, "safe sex", and behavior modification have been insufficient to keep the gay population from continuing to be destroyed.
Gabriel's book also makes the airtight case -still considered controversial, unfortunately, rather than undeniable- that we brought AIDS upon ourselves by a way of living that welcomed it. You cannot (* have sex) indiscriminately with multiple partners, who are also doing the same, without spreading disease, a disease that has for many years also carried death. Nature always extracts a price for sexual promiscuity.
None of this is new or should be new.
Tragically, not enough of us have responded to this information maturely and responsibly. Too many of us have used almost every conceivable excuse not to face this plague squarely and honestly. We think we know what's safe and unsafe, know all about condoms, know all about these new drugs we've put our faith in so quickly, and we get very irate when the word promiscuity is used.
But nobody is out there saying loud and clear and nonstop: Stop acting like assholes. Start acting like adults. Even in the best of times, an adult does not play Russian roulette with (*genitals).
It's been particularly distressing to me as a writer, as someone who tries very hard to believe he's an artist, to see how almost every other gay writer -as well as journalists, essayists, poets, playwrights, painters, photographers, filmmakers, what have you- has, to my mind, ignored the primary job of being an artist: telling the truth.
What is this truth?
We must create a new culture that is not confined and and centered so tragically on our obsession with our penises and what we do with them.
We have made a culture out of our sexuality, and that culture has killed us...
 There is an old native North American Indian tradition called Heyoehkah. The Heyoehkahs, or sacred clowns, were people within the tribe who "did things differently", challenged people's thinking, shook them up. Their function was to keep their people from getting stuck in rigid ways of thinking and living. They were also know as
"contraries" because they lived backwards. They walked backward, danced backward, everything they did was contrary to the norm. By their living, they symbolized the shadow of the Creator God, reminding people of their spiritual center.
For gay people, the role of Heyoehkah is especially important: not only are Heyoehkahs often gay, the role of contrary is a sacred symbol of the role we play among society as a whole.
Not long ago, a handsome courageous, young, gay Indian named Richard, danced Heyoehkah at a powwow. When I heard about it, shivers ran down my spine. It was a sign of remembering. It was a sign that we are remembering our relation to the Great Spirit and that the Creator God is remembering us.
His dance also made me realize that from the beginning there has been a Heyoehkah response to AIDS. When the normal response was to react with fear and panic, there were people dancing backward, responding with love and confidence. When, every day, the world began repeating a death mantra, our sacred clowns danced the dance of life. They talked about living with AIDS, surviving, healing, recovering. When the normal reaction to a diagnosis was isolation, our Heyoehkahs dragged us into a community. When the world wanted us to be victims, they drew circles of light around themselves and stood in their power.
Whenever it got dark, they turned toward the light. Whenever people said there is no hope, they said there is always hope. Whenever people said this isn't about us, they stood up and said, "This is about you. This is about us as well. Our planet is sick. Earth has acquired an immune dysfunction. We are all living with AIDS."
The heart of this book is inspired by that magical AIDS community of sacred clowns, the contrary people who keep hope alive, who stay spirit-centered, who "do things differently."
Perry Tilleraas - The Color of Light: Meditations for All of Us Living with AIDS
AIDS/HIV
Reaching the Unreachable.. Online Outreach
Outreach professionals are always looking for those hard-to-reach populations where HIV education is in desparate need. They take to the streets; to local bars and clubs; to bath houses. Now there is a new way to reach those hard to reach populations...online. The need for this type of outreach is certainly there. The web site Gay.com surveyed 3000 of their site visitors. 84% of those visitors reported they had met sexual partners online (Brown, Washington Post, 2/03). Other studies have traced STD outbreaks to internet chat rooms. many who have been diagnosed with STDs report the met the person who
infected them via the internet.
Why the Internet?
What makes the internet so attractive to those seeking sexual liaisons? First of all, the initial meetings and discussions take place in a safe enviroment...in front of a computer. For obvious reasons, many people fear meeting a stranger in a strange, secluded place. Yet they are looking for sexual contacts. To ease their fear and still meet potential partners, people take to the chat rooms. Before any potentially harmful meeting takes place, two people can get to "know" one another online.
Knowing one another brings us to the second reason the internet is so appealing. People can be whatever or whoever they please. Six feet tall, blue eyes and blond hair....an artist....an athelete...single....or "well endowed". The internet provides a safety net for those who want to pretend.
On the other side of that same coin, chat rooms allow people to be themselves without the fear of rejection. Being cast aside online is a far cry from being rejected in person. Chatters are free to learn about one another without the pressures of that uncomfortable "first meeting".
Finally, the internet can be a very private place. Many people exploring their sexual desires want to do so under the umbrella of anonymity. For instance, many heterosexual men look for male sexual partners to explore their bisexual desires. They wish to keep these relationships and their feelings of bisexuality from their wives or girlfriends. Chat rooms are a perfect place to do so.
Is there a need for online outreach?
Simply put, yes there certainly is. Several studies have linked outbreaks of STD's such as syphilis with partners found in internet chat rooms. Two studies presented at the 2003 National HIV Prevention Conference noted that online chatrooms and Web sites are replacing gay bathhouses and sex clubs as the most popular meeting points for arranging high-risk sex. In fact the need is being recognized by prevention and outreach agencies across the country. Funding streams are now allocating funds to maintain online outreach staff.
Mind you, the funds are limited but the fact that any money is available unscores the perceived importance and value of online outreach. Programs are now in place in Detroit, Seattle, Boston, Miami and Los Angeles.
What is the advantage of online outreach?
Experts agree, people who use the internet to find sexual partners have a greater number of partners than those who find sexual partners the traditional way. In addition, many of their partners are nonlocatable which makes partner notification, testing, and counseling problematic. Online outreach gives prevention specialists another tool with which to educate about safer sex and to locate potentially exposed persons. In addition, many times, online counselors are reaching people at precisely the time they are deciding
whether or not to have anonymouos sex. Terrence Lo, epidemiologist with the California Department of Health Services points out that by providing anonymity, the internet allows counselors to reach those people who may be reluctant to discuss safer sex issues in other settings.
Does online outreach work?
How effective is online outreach? It's too soon to tell however some programs are showing promise. From January 2003 to October 2003, The Midwest AIDS Prevention Project in Ferndale Michigan spent over 100 hours online in chat rooms. According to their data, 289 client interventions took place (Resource: Midwest AIDS Prention Project, November, 2003). How many of those people would have engaged any prevention efforts offline?
Reaching the unreachable...online outreach and prevention. Using the internet to educate...ironic...that's what the founding fathers of the internet had intended all along.
~ Mark Cichocki
Copyright © 2004 About, Inc. About and About.com are registered trademarks of About, Inc. The About logo is a trademark of About, Inc. All rights reserved.
Worlds Apart
by Annia Ciezadlo
Why are HIVers in New York City’s Harlem neighborhood dying at twice the rate of HIVers in the gay enclave of Chelsea? A case study of the ever-widening gulf that divides the United States of AIDS
THE GROWING DIVIDE
The health department says Harlem and Chelsea aren’t the only disparity: Across the city, people in whiter, wealthier neighborhoods live longer than those in poorer, darker ones—even when the two are side by side. Next to Chelsea, the (also relatively affluent) Greenwich Village–SoHo area had the city’s second-lowest PWA death rate, at 12.2, while an adjacent district with a high concentration of public-housing projects had the city’s highest—at 43.9, almost four times higher.
And it’s not just black and white. Consider other high-mortality neighborhoods, like the South Bronx and Crown Heights, both heavily Latino. “When we start comparing Harlem and Chelsea, one of the first differences that jumps out to us is race,” says Juan Battle, a professor of sociology at New York City’s Hunter College. “But if you look again, there’s another difference, which is class.”
And it’s there, at the American juncture of race and income, where HIV diverges into a kind of apartheid. The divide may not be as stark as that between HIVers in the West and those in Africa or Asia, but it’s impossible to ignore. Middle-class HIVers (still mostly gay white men) reap HAART’s promise of a “chronic manageable illness,” while the underclass (overwhelmingly African American) often lives as if HAART had never arrived. “What you see in Harlem mirrors a lot of urban areas in this country,” says Carole Bernard of the National Minority AIDS Council.
And the disparity between Chelsea and Harlem could as well be the disparity between Dupont Circle and Anacostia in Washington, DC; West Hollywood and South Central in Los Angeles; South Beach and Liberty City in Miami; tony Atlanta and large swathes of the poor, rural south, where AIDS rates are climbing.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, between 1993 and 2001 (a span during which life-saving HAART was introduced), the deaths of PWAs nationally dropped by an estimated 75 percent among whites, but only by 50 percent among blacks. By 2000, AIDS rates (as opposed to just HIV) were nine times higher in blacks than in whites. Most studies have attributed such staggering rates to both late diagnoses and poor HAART adherence. But they are inextricably linked to poverty itself.
When poor people get sick, it’s often from causes that are impossible to untangle: years of cheap food; asthma from pollutants (most of New York City’s bus depots are concentrated in Harlem); IV drug use—which has little to do with race but does correlate closely with geography and class—that weakens their bodies and their resolve.
Most damaging: the lack of preventive care that comes from having no health insurance or high-cost insurance, and relying on the ER. Says Battle, “Poor populations don’t see the health care system as serving a preventive function—it’s serving a treatment function. So if you’re not sick, you’re not gonna go.”
And then there are the intangibles: depression; hopelessness; a corrosive distrust of the medical establishment. “You say one word incorrectly, and you’ve suddenly got a very angry client who’s ready to run out the door and never come back,” says Daniel Weglein, MD, Deborah’s doctor and Harlem United’s medical director. “It doesn’t matter how much services, treatment and counseling is out there if people aren’t ready to engage in care.”
“If you’re HIV positive, and you’re also homeless, and you have a substance abuse problem, and your children are in foster care, getting treatment for HIV is probably last on your list of priorities,” says Harlem United’s Cynthia Ceilan. “You’re either looking for your next fix, or trying to get your kids back, or trying to find a place to live.” Even when low-cost AIDS treatment services are available, poor people often don’t—or can’t—use them. If they do, the effort it takes just to stay “compliant” can be overwhelming. “Can we deal with HIV in poor communities without dealing
with poverty?” Battle asks. “I would argue no. It hasn’t worked with high blood pressure, it hasn’t worked with asthma, it hasn’t worked with diabetes, and it won’t work with HIV” (see “Closing the Gap” ).
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